Valentine’s Day—The perfect excuse for chocolates, candles, and romance, but love is more than just a one-day affair. So, what really makes a relationship built to last? In this blog I’ll share some theories, skills, and red flags that’ll help you build a deep, lasting connection or notice some subtle but dangerous “red flags”. Whether you’re navigating new love, deepening an old bond, or simply working on you, I’ve got some tips to keep your heart—and your relationship—safe, healthy, and thriving. Because love should be more than just a feeling; it should be a partnership that grows stronger with time.
My Journey in Observing and Learning About Healthy Relationships
Growing up, I had a front-row seat to what it meant to be in a long-term relationship, but it wasn’t always a picture of joy. My parents’ marriage, while solid, was not always the happiest. They rarely fought, but they didn’t seem to thrive, either. My father passed away last September at the age of 95, and looking back on their 40+ year marriage, I found myself asking: What could I learn from their relationship? What was good and what was missing? These are questions many of us may reflect on as we think about our own relationships, whether it’s with a partner, a parent, or a friend.
For me, a big turning point in understanding relationships came when I started reading books like Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray and The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Through the years these books helped me understand dynamics in my own life and relationships—things I hadn’t fully understood before. For example, in relationships, women tend to want to feel desired, valued, and understood, while men often respond more to respect and compliments on accomplishments rather than appearance. This difference is crucial to understand in communication and emotional fulfillment in romantic partnerships.
The Five Love Languages: A Framework for Connection
Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the five love languages is one of the most popular tools for understanding how we give and receive love. Chapman’s research suggests that we all have a primary love language, or a preferred way of expressing affection and care. The five languages are:
- Acts of Service – Doing something to help your partner, such as running an errand or helping with chores.
- Physical Touch – Demonstrating love through hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical affection.
- Quality Time – Spending undivided time together, engaging in activities that bring you closer.
- Gifts – Offering presents that show thoughtfulness and effort.
- Words of Affirmation – Using words to express admiration, appreciation, and validation.
We all use a blend of these languages, but typically, one or two stand out more for each person. For instance, in my relationship, physical touch and words of affirmation are my go-to love languages, while my husband tends to show love through acts of service. Understanding this difference has been a game-changer for us.
According to Chapman, couples tend to be more satisfied when their love languages match. But this isn’t always the case, and that’s okay. What’s most important is the ability to tune in to your partner’s love language and be deliberate in communicating love in ways that they can best receive it. It takes effort, patience, and a willingness to grow together.
It wasn’t always easy for me to recognize my husband’s acts of service as acts of love because it’s not how I naturally recognize love. Early on in our marriage I found myself spiraling into feelings of being unloved because he didn’t verbally communicate his love like I expected him to. This is probably a good time to mention that expectations truly are the killer of joy. But as I became more aware of his actions in relation to his top love language, I then could feel the love.
Now when I see him consistently do the chores he knows that I hate or walks me to my car holding an umbrella and my lunch for me as he sees me off to work, I know without a doubt that I am loved and valued.
On the flip-side, taking notice of this helps me understand his needs. I became more intentional in showing him love through the ways that he understands it. And I mean, I must be deliberately intentional in making my mind find ways to do acts of service because my mind is not at all wired for it. This is a perfect example of why it takes selflessness and effort to cultivate a happy marriage.
So, if you find yourself feeling unloved then it’s important to consider if it’s just miscommunication in how each other shows and receives love. There is also the possibility that one or both of you are lacking in other relationship skills.
The Role of Relationship Skills
Building a healthy relationship isn’t just about recognizing love languages—it also involves developing relationship skills from the start. My brother, who holds a degree in psychology, once shared with me that couples should be aligned on five core topics before marriage: religion, parenting, finances, politics, and intimacy expectations. These are the areas most likely to spark conflict, so it’s important to get on the same page early on.
In addition to alignment on core values, skills such as emotional regulation, mutuality, and insight play a key role in healthy relationships. According to Dr. Joanne Davila, a Professor of Psychology who specializes in evidence-based interventions for relationships, these elements are collectively referred to as romantic competence—the ability to function adaptively in a relationship. Here's a quick breakdown:
- Insight: Understanding yourself, your partner, and your relationship dynamics. This involves recognizing triggers (like why you might feel irritable because of unrelated stress) and learning from mistakes.
- Mutuality: Recognizing that both partners have needs, and those needs should be considered before making decisions.
- Emotional Regulation: Being able to stay calm and keep things in perspective, even during difficult moments.
Studies show that romantically competent individuals tend to be happier, more secure in relationships, and less prone to depression or anxiety. The more we learn these skills, the better equipped we are to nurture healthy, long-lasting relationships.
Dating and Red Flags: Signs of Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
When we think about romantic relationships, it’s crucial to not only know what makes a relationship work but also recognize red flags. There are signs of healthy love, and then there are signs of abusive or toxic behavior. Some red flags are obvious like physical abuse but others often go overlooked such as:
- Extreme jealousy or controlling behavior (e.g., isolating you from friends or family).
- Demeaning or shaming you in front of others.
- Intimidating threats or behaviors.
If you or someone you know is experiencing these behaviors, it’s essential to reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline and other resources are available for support, guidance, and safety planning.
Biblical Wisdom on Relationships
For those of us who draw guidance from faith, the Bible offers profound insights into building healthy relationships. Selflessness, honesty, and trust are core to the Biblical concept of love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 gives a beautiful description of love: “Love is patient, love is kind… it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful… it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” This passage reminds us that love requires humility, patience, and sacrifice—qualities that are vital in any healthy relationship.
Furthermore, verses like Ephesians 4:2 remind us to be gentle and patient with one another. These principles can be a grounding force when navigating the complexities of human relationships.
Closing Thoughts
Healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding, clear communication, and a commitment to each other’s well-being. Whether you’re dating, engaged, married, or navigating relationships in other areas of your life, it’s important to stay tuned in to your own needs and those of your partner. Relationships take work, but they also offer the deepest rewards.
As we celebrate love this Valentine’s Day, let’s take a moment to reflect on how we can improve our relationships, build stronger connections, and, most importantly, be intentional about showing love in ways that matter. If you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to support resources—they are there for you.
Happy Valentine’s Day!